Dear AJ,

In our last conversation, you asked me to contact you regarding future counseling sessions.  Please read what I have to say in this letter and tell me whether you think any future sessions are necessary.  I am fully willing to compensate you for your time spent reading and responding to this letter.  I’m enclosing a check for $75 to cover your time.

Recap

After our second session you determined based on your observation of Angela and I interacting that any type of counseling involving the both of us together would yield little return.  You noted I still have a significant level of anger toward Angela and I appear to be stuck getting beyond my insistence that Borderline Personality Disorder is the real issue here.   So after the first session and the tail end of the second session, all subsequent sessions have been you in a 1-on-1 session with either Brayden or Riley.  The kids are brought in separately on alternating weeks.  From what you have told me, you think the kids are pretty well adjusted.   That Angela and I have done a good job of shielding the kids from any animosity we hold for one another.  From what you can tell, we are both doing a satisfactory job or better as divorced parents when it comes to parenting the kids.

In our last phone conversation, you stated - ideally it would be best for you to conduct counseling as a family, but because of my unwillingness to do so and my constant mention of BPD (to the point of badgering), it makes that scenario unfeasible.  Perhaps if I got counseling on my own on how to deal with my issues with Angela, things could be different regarding how the sessions are conducted or improve any future interactions I might have with her.  Below is my response to that request.

· BPD – Yes I have made repeated claims that BPD is the reason why I am unwilling to try and work with Angela in any way.  But actually BPD is not the real issue.  If BPD were the issue, we could have never stayed together for 12 years.  She has probably had BPD since a teenager or before, but I never even knew she had it or such a bizarre disorder even existed until about 4 months into our divorce process.  It also took another 6 months of research and witnessing other behavior to be positive.  Not only can BPD explain the absolute cruelty and craziness of our relationship since Jan 2009, it also helped me understand our relationship as a married couple.   BPD is my diagnosis as to why I’m unwilling to work with her, but the real issue is based on my experience dealing with her over the past 1 ½ years.   It is just not possible for me.

I feel by her words and actions she has damaged the relationship to a point that we can really have no relationship.  In my opinion, it is to the point where it is best for everyone, especially the kids, to be completely separated at all times.  I know this is not ideal, but getting Angela and I in the same space always has the potential for some sort of bad outcome.   Email and texting about the kids should be the goal and it appears Angela is even on board with this plan of communication since you first suggested it.  So I think we have a good plan in place that both of us agree upon going forward.

It is true I do not have a medical degree in psychology, but I did invest some serious time and research into this area.  One thing for certain it is my belief that Angela does not want to have things work better between us.  That she is simply using this platform as a way to perpetuate her personal attacks on me.  The goal of achieving of a good "co-parenting" environment is not her motivation for being in counseling.

I know Angela can sit there in a chair across from you and look like this completely composed, articulate woman while I appear the more troubled of us two.  But she is also a very good actor as most high functioning borderlines are. 

· Why I feel the relationship is permanently damaged

I know it is not uncommon for many people going through a divorce to have ill feelings for the other ex-spouse.  But on every exchange with the kids I am greeted with dirty looks, slammed doors in my face and nastiness all the time.  When speaking to her on the phone it is not uncommon to receive non-stop FUs - she even made up a FU song.  I hate to bring up celebrity examples, but think Mel Gibson here.  To be fair, not quite as bad as Mel, but the raging was definitely on the extreme side.  This is odd since it was her who wanted out and had been doing all the cheating.

Then add to it the distortion campaign to all of our joint acquaintances making up things that I never did just to cover up her own massive indiscretions.  This was extremely vindictive and hurtful to me.  She has repeatedly lied so much, it’s almost impossible for us to discuss a subject and know for certain if she is telling the truth.   How am I supposed to work with an individual to make things better, when all I am confronted with is lying?

Look I know a “good divorce” is rare or maybe even impossible, however, a couple of women have broken up with me and this is “way beyond” normal.   I am facebook friends with many former girlfriends, even one I lived with for about 5 years.  In each one of those, there was some meeting of the minds, closure, and respect for what was shared.  With Angela, there was none of that.  I didn’t even get a hug when she walked out of the house, she didn’t have time.

· Issues with family especially her own Mother – Angela has no contact with her mother or any extended family related to her mother.  She forbids the kids to have any interaction with her either.  Her reason is that her mother is bipolar and doesn’t want the kids exposed to her.  My question to you, would be the same questions that you have presented to me. 

o “How do you know your Mom is bipolar?  Has she been clinically diagnosed by a professional?”
Angela Answer: “No, I know because I am her daughter and was raised by her”

o “Why don’t you get some therapy and maybe you and your mom can work things out for the kids sake.  She is the only living/functional grandparent in their lives?”
Angela Answer: “The relationship is permanently broken.  It is her issue to correct, I have done all I can do”

o “The kids seem to like her, and you don’t even have to see her if you let Brett interact with her.  What would be the harm if he is with them and her on supervised visits?”
Angela Answer: “She will only end up hurting them like she did me.  I am protecting their feelings”

So in the same way Angela feels her relationship with her mother is permanently damaged and beyond repair to the point of never occupying the same space, so do I toward Angela.  Also, I know Angela is a “borderline” based on a combination of the breakup experience, combined with 12 years living with her.  This is a similar reason as why she claims to know her mother is “bipolar” based on her lifetime experience with that relationship.  Also funny that she can claim her mom has a mental disorder, and she does not, when there is a ton of medical evidence to suggest there is a genetic component to mental illness.

· Issue with me not wanting to get therapy for myself so I can interact better with Angela – I did get therapy and a lot of it.  About this time a year ago, I was in a pretty bad place mentally and emotionally.  I spent almost 15K getting therapy and ended up with what they think was PTSD.   In all of those therapy sessions with professionals (some BPD experts) and countless hours on the phone with her brother and mother, their advice was always the same.  Do not have any unnecessary contact with her and cut her out of your life as much as you possibly can.  For months I even ignored that advice, because I thought I could “fix” her and we could have some sort of civil relationship.  And although there were a couple of days here and there where it seemed to be getting better, it always came back to hate so I just gave up.

You had to observe in the limited therapy we had together with you, here was the basic pattern.  Angela would start with something like “AJ, I want to discuss an issue where Brett was doing something wrong or inappropriate”.  She would then go on to distort the issue to some degree and put me on the defensive.  The bottom line here is no amount of therapy I could ever receive would allow me to take any sort of criticism from this individual.  If she would have perhaps started with “AJ, I have been thinking of ways to make things better between Brett and I, and I want to present them to both of you”.  Well, if those sorts of words were ever to come out of her mouth, we would still be married and not dealing with any of this to begin with.  But they won’t and never will.  I just can’t listen to any more BS, plain and simple.

· What are you to do with a case like ours – I realize you cannot take sides.  I realize you are trying the best you can in following the court order to provide assistance to the best of your ability given the personality types you are dealing with.  But in the same way you are telling me to try harder and continue get therapy for myself, I don’t see willingness on your part to budge on any of my requests or suggestions.  “AJ let me provide you written or taped conversations showing why I cannot have any contact with this woman”.  Your answer – I don’t want to see or hear it.  “Talk to her family or any other individual that has a long running relationship with Angela and get their take.”  Your answer – I won’t.  You provide examples of how you and your ex have situations where you can be present with one another and how you dealt with it.  My response – “AJ is your ex-husband a borderline?”

Below are the phone numbers of Angela’s mother and brother.  My suggestion is to call them, explain my position and feelings/opinions toward their daughter/sister and feel if I am in any way out of line in my thinking and if continued therapy for myself might make things better for us as a divorced couple.  You are also free to ask them what they think of me as a person.  Nothing would be off limits as far as I am concerned.

Angela’s Mother – Deloris Forge – (cell) xxx-xxx-xxxx  (home) xxx-xxx-xxxx
Angela’s Brother – Mike Forge – (cell) xxx-xxx-xxxx (home) xxx-xxx-xxxx

Conclusion

Remember how we got to you to begin with.  Angela was taking me to court to reduce my parenting time with the kids.  When that did not happen and the court suggested counseling, she agreed and I thought it was pointless.  Like I said in our first session, I don’t know what her motivation was for wanting counseling, (to have you side with her and convince the court to grant her more time, or a cry for real help, …) but it wasn’t to try and make the co-parenting situation between us any better.  You can’t sit there in a chair and make stuff up and expect the other person (me), to just go along with the distorted comments.   All she had to do was not bring me to court and none of this counseling would have taken place. 

Really, I understand you want to help the situation for Riley and Brayden and by me saying “there is no hope for help”, it makes me seem like the one that is being unreasonable.  I’m sorry for this, but there is really nothing more that I can commit to.  As long as I comply with paying what I owe and honor my parenting time with the kids, then I feel that is about the best we can achieve here.  I have listened and taken your advice with a couple of suggestions with Riley.  I think our 1-on-1 time is really paying off and I would classify my relationship with Riley as much improved over the past couple of months.  So perhaps this is from the sessions, and I thank you for this.

It may be shocking to you, but there was a time not that long ago when Angela and I were very good friends and I really did think I loved Angela.   The “borderline” stuff was there, but I just thought she was high maintenance and she came through for me during some big life events.  I’ve mentioned to her, if she was acting all the time she was with me and this is the real her, can she just go back to acting.  I believe there are people that derive value by having Angela as part of their lives.  I just feel at this point, any interaction with her at any level only brings me more emotional pain and anger which won’t be good for me or the kids. 

I do think it is possible at some point something could happen between the kids and Angela and there is a remote chance they will end up with me.  Let’s hope not and I can cross that bridge if it happens.  I will say this – one more fake suicide attempt and I will probably be forced to intervene.  I only witnessed 2 in a 10 year time span, so she probably isn’t due for a while.  Plus she is smart enough to realize this would really not play out to well with the FOC.  I don’t believe she would ever harm the kids other than just providing them with a bad moral compass.  On all other fronts, she appears to be an OK mother.

Sorry for the length of this letter, but I wanted to get it all out.  If you think it could help the kids, or just want to validate this story to some level, I would make the calls to her immediate family.

Let me know if and how you want to proceed with future sessions.  I’m fine with paying for the kids continuing therapy as long as Angela is willing to take them. 

Brett Behm